We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
