i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
