There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
