so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Randomize
