can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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