are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize