so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
