He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I need to calm my uterus...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
