apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
