just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Randomize
