I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
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she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
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Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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