lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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