$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
