I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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