she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
