Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
