is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
