i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
