This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
