Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I wanna passion pit in your ass
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
