we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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