I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
