I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
