if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Life is so much better after having sex.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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