And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
