Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
