uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
