Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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