you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
