Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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