About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
