I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
