What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
