when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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