Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
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I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
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Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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