I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It was confusing and full of hummus
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
birth control should be required to get into college
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
