dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He better not be in your backpack
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
