I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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