Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
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Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
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I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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