I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
