I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
