she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
