rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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