A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
