i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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