it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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