If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
