There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
