dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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