Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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