I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i wish my penis had a tongue
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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