shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
